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One man, a successful attorney, was drawn to younger woman because youth symbolized (to him) an eagerness and lightness of being unblemished by the disappointments and wear and tear of life.Youth, then, functioned as an unconscious antidote to his real view, one acquired in childhood, of women as unhappy and impossible to please, a view that was chilling in the bedroom.

His barriers to connectedness are thus overcome and his loneliness is temporarily alleviated. And in a relationship between objects, no one is truly dependent, dissatisfied, or unhappy.

A man I treated who was secretly worried about draining or burdening women with his needs fixated on large breasts, experiencing them as a symbolic marker for a woman who has a lot to give and enjoys giving it.

A woman I treated who was attractive and confident in her own right gained a similar reassurance from the height and size of the men to whom she was attracted.

For arousal to occur, those beliefs and feelings have to be momentarily negated or diminished.

That's exactly what our sexual fantasies and preferences do.

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